Take Off Your Patagonia Fleece, I’ve Already Seen it Three Times this Week; Or, You’re Boring Me, You Fuckheads.

January 28, 2008

It’s winter. My least favorite time of the year at Bates. And not just because of the snow, lack of sunlight, the fact that my tan has faded into pasty nastiness, though none of these things help my mood. No, I hate Bates in the winter because of what it does to fashion here—kills it. Dead. On the ground.

There have been many articles criticizing and bemoaning the state of fashion at Bates over my four years here. I’m not here to pick on anyone or to try to claim that some faction of the student body dresses better than another. I’m here to give a little constructive criticism to everyone, and it boils down to this—you’re boring me, you fuckheads. There’s more to clothing than that same Patagonia Fleece you’ve been sporting since last Thursday or that pair of flares you’ve been wearing since then too (but maybe it’s more than one pair; unless you’re switching up your washes or cuts, jeans all look the same). All I’m asking is that when you wake up in the morning, maybe look beyond your sweatpants and hoodie and trying something a little more…festive.

I know it’s cold outside. And I hate the cold. I really, really hate the cold. I know that sweatpants keep you warm. I know that it’s enough of a pain in the ass to get out of bed when it’s cold outside, let alone try to put together a cute and interesting outfit when you’re feeling cold, fat and pale (it happens during the winter, it’s okay). But you know what makes you feel more fat and pale, and makes me feel bored and cranky? When you wear the same outfit everyday, except maybe with a different sweatshirt or scarf. So, I present you with some tips on how to make your winter wardrobe slightly more interesting, for your sake and mine.

1) Hide clothing you find yourself falling back on again and again. We all do this. I do this. But falling back on the same things over and over again are boring. So hide them. I believe, maybe just out of wishful thinking, that everyone has one piece of clothing in their closet that is truly interesting and unique, but that they rarely wear because it’s hard to find the right occasion or the right pieces to pair with it. Hiding some of your old-standbys will force you to work garments like that into your wardrobe. And once you’ve gotten good at pairing unexpected items, reintroduce the old favorites back in. Chances are, you’ll start doing much more interesting things with them than you were originally.

2) Practical doesn’t have to mean boring. In fact, some of the most practical items can be the most interesting. Get a really rad hat or pair of boots—these are items that you can wear everyday that will keep you warm and that will give your outfit some extra flair. Take your skirts and dresses out of storage (these, unlike jeans, all look different) and get some tights. Now available in colors and patterns far beyond your basic black, they allow a multitude of new outfits to come play. One thing—get tights with feet. Don’t be that ass walking around in the ones that cut off at your calf. I know that part of your leg is cold. If you still aren’t warm enough, throw a pair of leg warmers or tall socks on top—they’re warm and unexpected.

3) Don’t be afraid of humor or irony. A sweater embroidered with fish or a t-shirt with a pattern only your Great-Aunt Muriel would wear can be fun ways to show that you don’t take clothing too seriously. Afraid people will think you’re a big weirdo? Who cares. As long as your rock the irony with confidence, people will probably realize you’re not wearing it seriously. People will only think you’re a big weirdo if you walk around all squirrely and self-conscious.

So there are my tips. Please listen. I am always right.

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3 Responses to “Take Off Your Patagonia Fleece, I’ve Already Seen it Three Times this Week; Or, You’re Boring Me, You Fuckheads.”

  1. Teddy Flemming said

    I “Like Like” you and your blog. You are hilarious and I cannot wait to buy you a screwdriver sans vodka next sunday.

  2. Teddy Flemming said

    ps add me to your blogroll jawn.

  3. Anonymous said

    you suck.

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